China to Impose Tariffs on Chinese Food Globally; Kung Pao Pizza Sparks Diplomatic Incident

In an audacious culinary‑trade maneuver, China announced global tariffs on Chinese food, meaning every plate of fried rice, chow mein, or kung pao chicken will soon arrive with a surcharge and a stern look.

Officials insist the fees protect “culinary integrity,” claiming non‑authentic kitchens have reduced dumplings to “sad pillows.” Inspectors are being dispatched worldwide with clipboards and chopsticks to confiscate spring rolls that are “suspiciously soggy.”

The United States protested after a restaurant in New York charged $48 for a single dumpling, citing “customs duties and emotional labour.” Britain panicked: “How will we survive Saturday nights without takeaway?” sobbed one MP, before announcing a sovereign alternative: ‘British‑style Chinese,’ featuring chips and inalienable rights.

Irish diners are livid. “We already pay €4.50 for prawn crackers,” said a man from Galway. “What’s next, tariffs on curry chips?” The European Commission hinted at retaliatory levies on Italian cuisine but backed down when Rome threatened to blockade Brussels with spaghetti.

Analysts predict a black market of contraband dumplings smuggled in reusable coffee cups. One restaurateur suggested a solution: “If we rename this ‘Pan‑Asian Salad,’ does the tariff disappear?”