G7 Agrees To Phase Out Fossil Fuels By 2099, Give Or Take A Century

The G7 announced a historic agreement to phase out fossil fuels by 2099, plus or minus a century depending on vibes. Leaders described the timeline as ‘ambitious yet comfortably vague,’ perfect for press releases and grandchildren’s homework.

Under the plan, countries will set aspirational goals, then revisit them annually to adjust adjectives. A new fund will support communities transitioning away from fossil jobs into equally confusing green ones, like ‘wind wrangler’ and ‘solar sommelier.’

Environmentalists groaned: “At this rate, the dinosaurs will come back before fossil fuels go away.” Energy companies applauded the ‘clarity’ while discreetly investing in candles.”

To demonstrate commitment, leaders travelled to the summit by hybrid limousine and promised to plant trees every time someone mentions coal on television. A timeline graphic shows steady progress right up to the bit labeled ‘TBD’ in large friendly letters.

Negotiators admit there’s still work to do, but assure the public the planet will be fine “eventually, probably, fingers crossed.”