Irish Rail announced plans to improve journey times \u2014 by first introducing slower trains. \u201cWhen we add five minutes now, we can shave ten off later and call it progress,\u201d explained a spokesperson, unveiling a chart that looked suspiciously like a doodle of a snail.<\/p>\n
The initiative, titled \u2018Project Lower Expectations,\u2019 includes soothing announcements, extra tea time, and a loyalty scheme where repeat lateness earns passengers commemorative timetables.<\/p>\n
Commuters were unconvinced. \u201cI already leave yesterday to arrive today,\u201d said one. Another admitted the extra time had allowed him to finish War and Peace, twice.<\/p>\n
Rail enthusiasts defended the plan, noting that slower trains reduce the risk of spilling coffee on one\u2019s neighbour and increase opportunities to stare meaningfully out windows. Environmentalists called it a victory for patience.<\/p>\n
Phase two promises faster services, pending the discovery of \u201ca spare engine and the will to use it.\u201d Until then, Ireland will glide serenely toward its destinations, eventually.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Slowing down trains now, so faster ones feel miraculous later.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":10,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"colormag_page_layout":"default_layout","footnotes":""},"categories":[112,93,113],"tags":[136,137,139,108,125,151],"class_list":["post-10047","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-ireland","category-satire","category-transport","tag-commuters","tag-delays","tag-expectations","tag-humor","tag-irish-rail","tag-public-transport"],"yoast_head":"\n